Dear Mr. Miller:

Thank you for your site. I think I very much needed to see the statement "God is not afraid of questions".

I was born into a 'intellectual' Christian family, if there is such a thing..my father is a theologian (Phd.) and was a pastor for many many years (he gave up engineering to join the ministry). So 'blind faith' and the more emotional kinds of Christian worship were not something I was taught to prioritise. My earliest memories include family bible studies where we were encouraged and challenged to study, dissect and discuss the bible. Apparently I inherited my father's academic genes, because most of the world does make sense to me - intellectually, spiritually and physically. I find that most things are actually quite simple, once certain 'first principles' are established. E.g. Justice, free will, mercy, cause-effect...I have spent a lot of time thinking about them, and almost all the 'tough questions' you mentioned are simply non-issues to me (and in all humility, I am not 'excessively dumb' either). It really does makes sense to me; I have been called 'naive', 'childlike' and other less flattering synonyms, but I also have a pretty high IQ... Which is maybe why I find the 'deep dark questions' of life so much more comprehensible than everyday human behavior..my own included...lol.

I accepted Christ as my saviour at age six...and for a long long time thereafter wondered if I was just 'coerced' by my father (I mean, what does a 6-year old know, really?), and alternated between quoting the 'little children' verse to myself and resenting my father for pre-empting a more adult decision on my part. I still struggle with this.

I was struck by a statement in your writings, namely that some people have the 'heart for God', but their intellect gets in the way. So true in my case! But here is the paradox: the reverse is also true. Let me explain: Christianity has always satisfied me intellectually. I was taught from the beginning that Christianity is not really a set of rules or even morality/ethics, it is primarily about a personal relationship. And this is why I find Christianity the only acceptable worldwiew. To me, its never been a religion, its always been about a person - a person I now so desperately want to meet/know. No other form of 'spirituality' comes even close. This is further borne out if we were truly made in Gods image...personal relationshpes are the very center of human life, and a personal r/s with God seems to me the only logical extension of an 'ideal' human r/s (or the other way around). On the other hand, I have never yet experienced any particularly 'uplifting' moments, I am not a nicer/gooder/better person, or have known any kind of joy, peace, euphoria that could be not be explained away by purely physically causes..eg. chocolate or the first monsoon (I'm an Indian, living in Hong Kong BTW). so many questions - what is keeping me from hearing God? Did he ever answer, and did I just not hear? Or did I hear him, but failed to recognise his voice? Have I been saved, really?  How will I know? and on and on and on. Also, the temptation to lay down any number of 'fleeces' a la Gideon is often overwhelming - and I'm afraid its not maturity or trust that keeps me from doing so, its simply the fear that my poor little fleeces will be wet in the morning, and that will be a fatal blow to my 'quest'. Isn't it amazing how much misery we humans create for ourselves in our own mixed-up heads? No wonder we need God.

Here I must add another potent sentence I came across in my searchings "you are in a fight for your soul with unseen evil beings more intelligent then yourself that are bent on your destruction!" This comforted me enormously, because my human intellect, regardless of IQ, is limited - therefore the burden of proof, of change, oF ANYTHING - is not on me! It is up to God! Maybe you can understand why I find this so appealing. :-)

Here is where I'm at today - after 20 years of being a 'nominal' Christian, 5 odd years of being extremely anti-God (in private!) and 5 more years of inner conflict: I don't think I ever completely stopped believing in God, in the 'truths' of Christianity, but I was certainly (and still am, in some ways!) angry with Him, and at the same time I want to 'kiss-and-make-up' . A part of me is aghast at my own disrespect, but another part is just a mass of bitterness and hurt and anger. But to get to the point (finally!)- so while I cannot truthfully say I'm a believer, I'm a wannabe. I have decided that if this is what it takes to get to know God, so be it. If what the bible says is true, then its only fair..a personal friend and savior, a heavenly father, peace and joy now and eternal salvation ever after etc. seems a fair exchange for all this soul-searching, these emotional upheavals, this crazy yo-yoing back and forth, these horrible doubts, this numbing guilt, alternated with serious phases of 'backsliding' (this is when I just give up in exhaustion and say 'what the h..l, life is too short to spend agonising over something that may be a non-issue in the end). I live in the hope that one day when I get up after such a fall, it will be for keeps - and that then I will at last HEAR him say "Welcome back, Florence- I've missed you".

Anyway, the bottom line is this - I'd rather be lonely-miserable-confused-searching-for-God than a happy-content atheist/agnostic/whatever. And no, I am not insane, although I realise the how absurd the previous statement sounds - it flies in the face of everything society and modern worldview teach. Because if I'm wrong, if you're wrong, if all Christians are merely deluding themselves - well, so what? What have I got to lose? Better to live in the hope of finding God than in blissful ignorance  - it can get very lonely on this planet, even when surrounded by loving family, caring friends, and adorable puppies. They're not enough.  'God-shaped-vacuum' and that jazz.

The point of this letter? I do not know. Maybe to ask for your prayers, if you find the time?. (I just asked God to ask you to pray for me, and to give you the time (and inclination!) to do so..you so clearly believe in him, and somehow I think he'll hear and answer THIS request more surely than some of my others. )

Please forgive my incoherence (on re-reading, it sounds slightly hysterical in parts, but better hysteria than hypocrisy, huh?). Writing this has been both rewarding and difficult, but I'm glad I did.

And again, Thank You.

Florence

p.s. I would love to hear from you, but I do understand the demands on your time.

Florence, you certainly have my prayers, my respect for your honesty and tender-heart, and my confidence that you are DEFINITELY on the right path for what you and He seek!

I hope to be able to respond more deeply in the coming weeks, but I am NOTORIOUSLY bad at responding to email (I apologize ahead of time). You are clearly not 'insane' (chuckle), but have an admirable grasp of the realities of this 'confused existence'...

You truly sound like the kind of heart in which He delights--no 'sugar coating' of false-euphoria, but no 'sugar coating' of 'convenient agnosticism'...but a heart that yearns for the knowledge/experience (or at least the awareness thereof) of God's activity and relationship in your life...more on this later...

You also sound like a wonderful soul to meet someday!

But I must get back to my Quiet Time (it's 7.28am on Saturday over here) before a busy day--but I DID want to encourage you, and tell you that your honest/gracious letter touched my heart, and that you will be on my mind/prayers for the next few weeks (at least)...and actually, your email even encouraged me--I know the work of the Grace-grower when I see it, and every glimpse I get into the strange and convoluted paths He takes His kids through ('been there, done that, more than once, and more in the future' smile) is a vision into this panorama of His quiet work in history.

More later,

Warmly,

Glenn

Glenn

I very much appreciate your taking the time to respond - it DID encourage and hearten me.

Finding God and 'being saved' are supposed to be joyful experiences - unfortunately for me, this is not true ..so far, at least. If anything, this is the most agonising time I can remember. Maybe this is a good sign...?! :-)

'Yearn' is the perfect word to describe it - I remember telling a friend that I was 'hungry and thirsty' for the TRUTH...and by 'truth' I do NOT mean the watery, vague, feel-good stuff that is so 'in' these days...the all-inclusive brands of spirituality, the ancient Hindu atman-brahman' concepts,  the 'circle-of-life', and similar cant. If truth IS really truth, it MUST be universal, for everbody, absolute, crystal-clear..not some flexible concept that happens to make sense to different people at different times. (But I'm sure this is all old hat to you...excuse the amateur forays into philosophy! :-)

A thought I am exploring : maybe what is keeping me from God (and not vice versa) is my intense fear of 'giving up control' of my life...after all the energy and time I've spent avoiding 'control', the thought of dropping the many 'guards' in my head and heart  (carefully constructed and maintained over the years) and letting someone else into my head - especially an all-powerful Lord of the Universe -  is just plain terrifying. Is this pride/ego? Maybe. (In passing, I think its often mis-called 'self-esteem' ...there is so much insiduous 'false-ness' out there...and its so very seductive! What are we teaching our kids???)  BTW, I read in one of your articles that you long to be completely 'subservient' to God...to my shame, I admit that every cell in my body, mind and spirit rebels against the thought of such subservience/obedience. This may be my biggest challenge..... I'm kinda beginning to see why Satan fell!

Glenn, while I would very much like to hear from you, I do not want to impose on your generosity and time, so please do not apologise if you cannot reply soon - or at all..just writing this down is very helpful to me - you are doing me a HUGE favour by even reading such long, convoluted emails - and from a stranger!

Thank you with all my heart for the assurance that you WILL pray for me - I never needed prayers more.

Maybe someday I will 'pay it forward'? Glorious thought! :-)

Best wishes,

Florence

Had just a few minutes here...I've been praying for you daily since you first shared your heart and struggles with me, Florence...

See my brief [and jumbled--sigh/smile] thoughts/comments below...

-----Original Message-----
From: Florence

Dear Mr. Miller:

Thank you for your site. I think I very much needed to see the statement "God is not afraid of questions".

I was born into a 'intellectual' Christian family, if there is such a thing..my father is a theologian (Phd.) and was a pastor for many many years (he gave up engineering to join the ministry). So 'blind faith' and the more emotional kinds of Christian worship were not something I was taught to prioritise. My earliest memories include family bible studies where we were encouraged and challenged to study, dissect and discuss the bible. Apparently I inherited my father's academic genes, because most of the world does make sense to me - intellectually, spiritually and physically. I find that most things are actually quite simple, once certain 'first principles' are established. E.g. Justice, free will, mercy, cause-effect...I have spent a lot of time thinking about them, and almost all the 'tough questions' you mentioned are simply non-issues to me (and in all humility, I am not 'excessively dumb' either). It really does makes sense to me; I have been called 'naive', 'childlike' and other less flattering synonyms, but I also have a pretty high IQ... Which is maybe why I find the 'deep dark questions' of life so much more comprehensible then everyday human behavior..my own included...lol.  

I accepted Christ as my saviour at age six...and for a long long time thereafter wondered if I was just 'coerced' by my father (I mean, what does a 6-year old know, really?), and alternated between quoting the 'little children' verse to myself and resenting my father for pre-empting a more adult decision on my part. I still struggle with this.

I was struck by a statement in your writings, namely that some people have the 'heart for God', but their intellect gets in the way. So true in my case! But here is the paradox: the reverse is also true. Let me explain: Christianity has always satisfied me intellectually. I was taught from the beginning that Christianity is not really a set of rules or even morality/ethics, it is primarily about a personal relationship. And this is why I find Christianity the only acceptable worldwiew. To me, its never been a religion, its always been about a person - a person I now so desperately want to meet/know. No other form of 'spirituality' comes even close. This is further borne out if we were truly made in Gods image...personal relationshpes are the very center of human life, and a personal r/s with God seems to me the only logical extension of an 'ideal' human r/s (or the other way around).  

 I am not a nicer/gooder/better person, 

nor have I known any kind of joy, peace, euphoria that could be not be explained away by purely physically causes..eg. chocolate or the first monsoon   

(I'm from India, but living in Hong Kong BTW). so many questions - what is keeping me from hearing God? Did he ever answer, and did I just not hear? Or did I hear him, but failed to recognise his voice? Have I been saved, really?  How will I know? and on and on and on.  

Also, the temptation to lay down any number of 'fleeces' a la Gideon is often overwhelming 

  - and I'm afraid its not maturity or trust that keeps me from doing so, its simply the fear that my poor little fleeces will be wet in the morning, and that will be a fatal blow to my 'quest'.

Isn't it amazing how much misery we humans create for ourselves in our own mixed-up heads? No wonder we need God.  

Here I must add another potent sentence I came across in my searchings "you are in a fight for your soul with unseen evil beings more intelligent then yourself that are bent on your destruction!" This comforted me enormously, because my human intellect, regardless of IQ, is limited - therefore the burden of proof, of change, oF ANYTHING - is not on me! It is up to God! Maybe you can understand why I find this so appealing. :-) 

Here is where I'm at today - after 20 years of being a 'nominal' Christian, 5 odd years of being extremely anti-God (in private!) and 5 more years of inner conflict: I don't think I ever completely stopped believing in God, in the 'truths' of Christianity, but I was certainly (and still am, in some ways!) angry with Him, and at the same time I want to 'kiss-and-make-up'.; 

A part of me is aghast at my own disrespect, but another part is just a mass of bitterness and hurt and anger.  

But to get to the point (finally!) - so while I cannot truthfully say I'm a believer, I'm a wannabe. I have decided that if this is what it takes to get to know God, so be it. If what the bible says is true, then its only fair..a personal friend and savior, a heavenly father, peace and joy now and eternal salvation ever after etc. seems a fair exchange for all this soul-searching, these emotional upheavals, this crazy yo-yoing back and forth, these horrible doubts, this numbing guilt, alternated with serious phases of 'backsliding' (this is when I just give up in exhaustion and say 'what the h..l, life is too short to spend agonising over something that may be a non-issue in the end). I live in the hope that one day when I get up after such a fall, it will be for keeps 

-- and that then I will at last HEAR him say "Welcome back, Florence - I've missed you".

Anyway, the bottom line is this - I'd rather be lonely-miserable-confused-searching-for-God than a happy-content atheist/agnostic/whatever. And no, I am not insane, although I realise the how absurd the previous statement sounds 

- it flies in the face of everything society and modern worldview teach. 

Because if I'm wrong, if you're wrong, if all Christians are merely deluding themselves - well, so what? What have I got to lose? Better to live in the hope of finding God than in blissful ignorance  - it can get very lonely on this planet, even when surrounded by loving family, caring friends, and adorable puppies. They're not enough.  'God-shaped-vacuum' and that jazz.  

The point of this letter? I do not know. Maybe to ask for your prayers, if you find the time?. (I just asked God to ask you to pray for me, and to give you the time (and inclination!) to do so..you so clearly believe in him, and somehow I think he'll hear and answer THIS request more surely than some of my others. ) 

Please forgive my incoherence (on re-reading, it sounds slightly hysterical in parts, but better hysteria than hypocrisy, huh?).  

 Writing this has been both rewarding and difficult, but I'm glad I did.

And again, Thank You.

Florence

p.s. I would love to hear from you, but I do understand the demands on your time. 

Glenn:

I'm very touched and grateful that you have been praying for me every day. I just wanted to share this with you, to let you know that your prayers ARE working - (in strange ways, to be sure).

You're right about worship.  I have so often been 'blown away' by the inspired-ness, the 'rightness' of some of the grand old hymns, or during quiet moments'alone when for one tiny instant, something clicks and it all makes sense. Unfortunately, not wanting to look foolish in my own eyes, and also afraid of what acknowledgement (of God) might mean, I always forced myself 'back down'. But a few days ago while praying, (the long, lament-y, please-do-this kind) I found myself searching for words to express something...and the lyrics of "Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder...etc." popped into my head. (Yes, I am grateful for my heritage - I am often surprised by how much I remember after so much 'trying to forget'!!! )

Worship IS the only really honest response to God - but it is also a privilege. I didn't know, or had forgotten, how much JOY there is in it. I had also forgotten what praise really means.. when 'sings my soul'. And this has nothing to do with prayers/requests answered, or what God has done/given ...its simply because He IS...who and what He IS.... how can one NOT worship? Its not even 'personal' in one sense - I'd be happy to just add my voice to the throng, to swell it a little more - not because its MY voice, but because there could never be enough voices singing. (This sounds a tad gushy, but that's because human language and beings are so limited, ....I think you know exactly what I mean.)

There's a different, 'lower' (wrong word!) kind of 'praise and thanks' that happens when I see his work in my outward life i.e. work, family, health etc.(which frankly is not much so far). Believe me, from a worldly point of view, I have currently very little to sing about or give thanks for - and YET I DO! I am learning that worship blesses the worshipper - it is uplifting, not debasing - it has healed and comforted me over the past few weeks. I used to dread the thought of eternity, but sometimes, when in prayer, I look forward to a time when I can 'sit at the foot of the throne' and worship without interruption or distraction or guilt or....TIME.

Isn't it strange and wonderful that I can worship AND still be full of doubt, anger, pain, fear ? Because I am. So much of 'beating my fists on His chest' (perfect phrase!), so much still to come.  All the 'practical' problems - very real, very painful - still embitter my life. Not to mention the overwhelming-ness of trying to be 'good'.. for e.g. when I read the gospels of Matt. and Mark, I guess I expected some kind of comfort, or back-patting (hey Lord, the prodigal's back, where's the fatted calf?) but all I got was a sense of utter unworthiness - esp. w.r.t Jesus' teachings (parables and to his disciples). I have the same old vices, but at least I've stopped calling them 'personality traits' :)...after years of struggling with a million shades of gray, I see black and white. And it feels SO GOOD to see clearly - like the first time I got glasses at age 7 and realised to my amazement that the world was NOT all fuzzy and blurry :-) Most wonderful of all, a very deep, very black despair, a very big 'alone-ness' is GONE - and I'm beginning to see just how...well, 'dirty ' I really am - not 'evil' in some grand, fearsome way, but so full of small, petty, cowardly, mean, disgusting stuff. I know its called 'Sin', but so far it was an abstract concept, not so much a personal reality. So here's my latest 'wrestling buddy'  - forgiveness. I do NOT feel forgiven. Its ironic that although I like myself so much less, I like being alive so much more!

So you see, Glenn, your prayers are working. And at least one of mine did.

I will certainly pray for you - I'm not very good at it yet, so please let me know if there's anything specific you would like me to pray for.

BTW, I am also the eldest of 4 sisters, (I just turned 30) and can empathise/sympathise with your daughter about being the firstborn of very enthusiastic parents - mine analysed every step, breath, word, burp, gurgle. :-) I think most eldest kids NEED to rebel just to develop an identity...which is why I found a special sweetness in reading God's 'take' on firstborns (exod.)

I read y'day on your site about the death of your daughter Britt. Earlier, when I thought about death, it was with horror. Today, there is still terror, but its more a fear of the unknown, not the unthinkable - that an existence, a person, a consciousnesss, can be simply shut down, snuffed out, and be as if it never was. I find it inexplicable that so many people prefer to believe this. (I'm sorry if I sound terse and unfeeling, but I do not know what to say to help, I'm one of those people who are better at 'weeping-with-those-who-weep' than comforting. Please forgive my ungraciousness and self-centredness - and thank you so much sharing such a personal grief.)

Well, I did want to be brief this time, but again, 'desire outran performance'. I also do feel bad for 'dumping' on you like this. My only defence is that I've finally accepted the fact that I am NOT self-sufficient, and that I DO need to ask for help/support/ashoulder and to appreciate God's grace  when it shines through another human being.

Warm regards
Florence

A few more thoughts - hopefully you will smile indulgently at this 'new broom' and not sigh tiredly at 'old hat'. :-) (ANd of course, I do not expect a reply, its merely an expression of thanks to God, and to you, for your words of wisdom and encouragement.)

New things in my life:

Well, that's it for the update. As you can see, I am truly basking in the 'honeymoon' period you so aptly described.

And since you're probably feeling a bit badgered - understandably - by this barrage of emails:-), I'm going to ease up on the writing...but I'll continue to pray for you, and your work (I'm also in IT, btw, and what a hectic world that can be!) and thank God for your website and your ministry.

Florence

p.s. I've taken the liberty of attaching a photo - I thought you might like to put a face to the name - and the person - you've so graciously been praying for - hope it does't clog up your mailbox TOO much.

What a blessing!

I am 6 pages deep in writing to a sweet brother who is in such agony over a challenge he is facing about the heart of God. He is being tormented by fears of duplicity in God's heart--"Do as I say, not as I do" kind of duplicity. It is so sweet to see the revelation of His warm, ever-pervasive smile to someone...

And thanks for the Pic!! I LOVE the 'florenceGRINS' title (made ME grin too!).

And don't stop the progress reports! His fingerprints are always a cause of celebration and dancing-of-heart for me! (and I just LOVE the way you write!)

Thanks, and dancing with you with our Prince of Peace!,

Glenn

(But the daily prayers for you will continue for a few more weeks at least...seasoned smile and chuckle here)

In your last email, you mentioned someone who has doubts about the heart of God w.r.t duplicity. My heart goes out to him. To have doubts about God's goodness/truthfulness must certainly lead to black despair and anguish - without it, what is left? And while, as you rightly said, everybody must find their own (sometimes torturous) path to Him, I am SO grateful that God has been gentle with me...even during my most anti-God years, I never considered the possibility of a less-than-perfect-God. (Ironic to think that I've been a Christian-in-denial all along - I guess the Holy Spirit, once in, STAYS in!) I pray that God will soon lift his spirit into joyful knowledge of Who He is - as He did mine, and as He will do again the next time I stumble.

I don't know if this works for everyone, but I find it so much easier now to be as a 'little child' who is content to not understand the 'what' and 'how' and 'why' as long as it knows and trusts the 'WHO'. Some day, when I'm 'all growed up', God will talk to me as an 'adult' and explain all the things that I cannot understand today. Something else to look forward to...:-)

Its also possible (out on a limb, here!) that some things are 'hidden' for our own protection, 'lest we be overwhelmed'..I personally would not dare to meet the Living God face to face as I am today -  even the faint shadows of His Glory, His Holiness, His Royalty, make me run and 'hide' in the Love of the Cross - an inexplicable, unfathomable, Love that could not bear to lose me - a Love that sacrificed a beloved, innocent, obedient Son. That Love is the ONLY reason someone like me has even ACCESS to Someone like Him, and the reason I enjoy His mercy and 'escape' His justice. If I doubt Him, or His Perfect Goodness, I am lost. Better to doubt the one who has already proved fallible, and cracked, and untrustworthy - me. That way, there's at least the HOPE that God will 'fix' me, but I'm pretty darn sure I can't 'fix' God! And oh, so much more productive to see MYSELF through God's eyes, warts and all, than try to see GOD through MY imperfect, unaided eyes - although in His mercy, His Spirit did 'accentuate' even my cloudy shortsightedness - on request -  until such time as I learn to let God do the seeing for me.

W.r.t 'Goodness'  and COMPLETE 'Truthfulness', I think we are - potentially - 'upward-compatible, but God is not 'downward-compatible (if you'll pardon a messy analogy :-).

A thought -  I come from a very 'reverent' culture. (India exists largely on fatalism, which is kinda  like faith gone wrong - IMHO), so 'respect' for even a human 'superior' is, well, genetic:-). (This is not always a good idea when dealing with fallible human beings!:-)) Also, Indian philosophy has always valued 'faith' far more than 'intelligence', which is probably why my 'traditional' Indian friends, unlike their western/westernised siblings, tend to deal emotionally rather than intellectually/logically with important issues. (Fascinating thing, culture.:-))

The most 'intelligent' thing I ever did was to stop trusting my intellect and start trusting its Creator. From working with my own misfit-self and the mentally-handicapped (volunteer work), I've learnt that there is no slavery like that which binds a person to the limits of what his mind 'understands' - unlike physical slavery to desires/lusts, it is self-blinding and blinded - a madman does not know that he is mad. Sorry to pontificate,  but I speak as just such an 'ex-con'...it took the Holy spirit about 15 years of patient, tireless work to 'unchain' ME via a 'diviner', more-than-human logic.

Well, just sharing - again. I am currently in a good deal of anguish and frustration about some earth-bound issues like 'wordly wealth' (or lack thereof!), but I'm slowly learning to cry on His shoulder instead of 'grin-and-bear'ing it, and to 'Wait on the Lord', as David did long ago...while through the tears, the indestructible part of me sings soft and clear. .

Thank you for your prayers - one of the many un-wordly things I seem to be rich in!

I also want to say this about your writings: I believe its the TONE as much as the CONTENT that 'nudges' others - like me - towards God. I have read and heard and seen so much that proves that 'the worst thing about Christianity is Christians', and your website goes a long way towards repairing the damage. It really IS all about the PERSON, isn't it?

God bless.

Florence