August 12,
2000
This came in this week from a long-time
reader...
are you doing OK? I see that the Net is updated from time to
time, but it is some time since you wrote a letter to us readers. It would be
good to know that you were.
Am I OK?
Good question...I'm too shell-shocked to
know, I guess...
The past year has been the most difficult of
my life, so far...my dreams of being able to work on the Tank more (from the
little business I started) didn't come to reality ("'yet', he added with
stubborn naiveté"), a painful
ending to a last misguided attempt at being something I am not, a totaled
automobile, the forced move from my home, the sudden death of my precious
daughter, a near-fatal medical emergency last month of another family member (not
covered by insurance...five-digits worth of extra expenses, from four days...),
medical problems that I cannot get to, due to lack of current insurance...and
other crises in the inner circle of my life this Spring that cannot be divulged for reasons of
confidentiality...and it's only August...
I daily fight my routine personal assailants
of despair, self-doubt, acidic self-criticism, breath-stealing grief, vague
fears, guilt (without the "significance" benefits I formerly could
derive from it, in my earlier more OC
days), a sense of failure in all the things that really matter in life, paralysis from feelings of stupidity
and from an audit trail of failed decisions, and overwhelming helplessness. [I
don't actually fight 'powerlessness' per se,
since I apparently have (only) the power to foul things up...]
Not that these
feelings are qualitatively different than previous years and decades, of
course, but the intensity and saturation levels are higher than even the most
dangerous of previous occurrences...
So, I guess I'm OK (smile)...I can still
type, and pray, and trust, and cry, and work, and breathe, and love, and
express my heart to my companions in this Vale, and worry about my kids, and
take flowers to the cemetery every Saturday, and long for Him to be honored
more in and through my life, and eagerly await His return...I can still cling
to my Shepherd, and cry to Him to come sit with me on the stairs while I
weep...I can still close my eyes and sit in his Lap like those other little
kids of Palestine did so long ago...
And I can wait for Him and for His comfort
and for His closeness...The "Trinity" is composed of "The God of
All Comfort" (2 Cor 1.3), "A Man of Sorrows and Acquainted with
Grief" (Is 53.3), and "the Comforter" (John 14:16--KJV), how can
I NOT make it through this time?!
Paul and Peter were SO CLEAR that one of the main
purposes of trials in this life (for His loved ones) was so that the
authenticity and vibrancy of our relationship with the Lord Jesus would be
obvious at His return, and that consequently He would be "awesomely"
justified--before a defeated, yet still sneering, mal-angelic and mal-human
crowd--in gracing us with His lavish riches and inheritance...
Paul, in 2 Thess
1.4-5 says:
"Therefore, among God’s
churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and
trials you are enduring. All this is evidence that God’s judgment is right, and
as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are
suffering.
WBC comments on this concept:
"As in 1 Thess 2:14; 3:3, 4, the Thessalonians’
suffering tribulation is said to be a proof
of the genuineness of their faith; their steadfastness under it marks them out as worthy of the divine
kingdom. In both places in the Thessalonian correspondence where the coming
kingdom of God is mentioned, the idea of worthiness finds a place (cf. 1 Thess
2:12).
“'that you may be counted worthy of the kingdom of God”;
cf. Luke 20:35, “those who are counted worthy to attain to that age and to the
resurrection from the dead.” The kingdom of God here, as in 1 Thess
2:12, is identical with “that age,”
in which the children of God will enjoy resurrection life. “for
which indeed you are suffering.” This is hardly tantamount to saying
that they are suffering in order to inherit the kingdom of God; rather, their
suffering for the sake of the kingdom of God is their suffering for the sake of
Christ... The kingdom of God is entered through tribulation (Acts 14:22), but the
kingdom cannot be said to be the purpose of the tribulation on the part of
those who inflict it or even on the part of those who endure it.
And Peter, in 1 Peter 1.6:
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now
for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of
trials. 7 These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than
gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when
Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you
have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you
believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your
faith, the salvation of your souls.
WBC on this passage offers:
"It is God who
crowns genuine faith with “praise, glory, and honor” at the last day
(cf. 5:4). Each term can be used either
for that which human beings offer to God or for that which God confers on them.
Because of the way in which God is understood in this epistle (and in the NT
generally), the two alternatives are not to be set against each other but
regarded as two sides of a single coin. If
“the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” is a God of grace, then it is in
giving that he receives (cf. the expression, “to the praise of the
glory of his grace” in Eph 1:6, 12, 14). In
honoring he is honored, in glorifying he receives glory, and in praising he is
praised. There is a certain ambiguity in the three unmodified nouns,
“praise, glory, and honor,” with the hint of a double reference that cannot be
overlooked. Yet the priority is clear. Peter
has in mind explicitly the
praise, glory, and honor that God bestows on his servants, and only implicitly
the praise, glory, and honor that is his in the act of giving...These
three terms inevitably suggest the notion of reward, specifically as
eschatological reward, for they are all part of the “salvation” for which the
Christian community waits (cf. vv 5, 9, 10). They are not “prizes” awarded on the basis of merit
but simply the eschatological equivalent of “genuine faith” itself. At the last
day the virtues of faithfulness and endurance are no longer necessary—because
persecution is no longer a threat—and are exchanged for a different currency.
Faith gives way to vindication, and “praise, glory, and honor” are different
ways of expressing this vindication.
When I personally get in these "pit" situations, I TRY to
remember this--that the entire grace and power of God is focused on this simple
purpose of the moment--that my faith "not fail".
I remember a seminary Prof decades ago jokingly commenting upon Col
1.9ff (And we pray this in order that you
may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing
fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being
strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that
you may have great endurance and patience). He talked about what a
'disappointment' it was, to have Paul get him all wound up with the "all power" and "glorious might" phrases--only to have
the goal as simple "endurance
and patience"! The Prof
wanted the power/might for more 'spectacular' things, more ostensive victories,
more 'kicking butt for the kingdom'...but Paul said it took all the power of
God for us little creatures to not give up on God...
And so Paul can summarize his success at the end of his life--NOT by
how many churches he planted, or now many people he introduced to the Beautiful
Heart, or how many NT letters he wrote--but that:
I have
fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith (2 Tim 4.7)
I have pondered this for years, and esp. every time I read "This is the victory that has overcome the world, even
our faith” (1 John 5:4). Sometimes it's simply a matter of holding on...and
perhaps this is more difficult than first appears...
Apparently, the forces of evil (both within and without) hammer away at
us to get us to abandon our faith (or exchange it for something else, like
"religion" or "belief system" or "magic") in God.
The basics of biblical faith are, of course, confidence in God's heart and in
His provision for our situation of alienation from all that is truly 'alive'
(Heb 11--"a rewarder" He is called). Every challenge (and in some
cases, every abundance--cf. Deut 32.15; Neh 9.25; Mt 13.22; 1 Tim 6.9)
"encourages us" to deny His goodness or His involvement (Job 1!)...
When we walk with God because "He is worthy", instead of
because "it is worth it" (i.e., a basic exchange theory
arrangement--"you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours"!) , God is
honored as a Person--as THE Person--as the only God...God is not a force, or a
magical genie, or a "fully programmable" divine machine, or even as
simply a formal "office" (e.g., "God" as title versus "God" as intimate Companion). It is only when
(IMHO) God is treated as a Person,
that He is treated as a true "God".
The reason for this is sorta philosophical, in Two Steps.
Step One: When we talk about God
conceptually/abstractly (as in philosophy and theology) as opposed to
personally (as "in stories" and in portraits of His heart), we tend
to make earth-bound distinctions between His "mind" and His
"essence". But it is highly questionable in my mind, that the notion
of God's essence can be distanced so from His consciousness at all (other than
linguistically). It is His consciousness that is the "furthest back"
(the Ultimate Reference Point principle, remember) that
creates the moral superiority of persons over things (in the Christian worldview). If
"essence" was the furthest back, "essences" would have more
value than what God actually
values the most: personal responses and loving community (including Him as
being in the community, of course). We could all just sit around doing nothing
but "essence-ing" (which I occasionally do when I flip around the TV
mindlessly with the remote control, of course--smile) and all would be well.
But, since just 'being' doesn't create warmth and love and respect and honor
and joy and tenderness, we have to be real 'persons'. We act, we respond, we
commit, we empathize, we grieve with, we comfort, we encourage, we praise.
Step Two: If a specific consciousness or character or
personality is furthest back (as opposed to some generic concept of
"consciousness", and/or some generic concept of
"essence"--which are still both 'things' at some level), then deity
(ultimacy, 'furthest back-ness') is identical
to this specific Person (not merely an "attribute of").
What this means is that when we are under duress, the world-machine
tries to get us to deny God's existence or
provision by getting us
to deny God's heart (as a
Person). The machine tries to get us to make His heart into a calloused
non-heart ("He doesn't care for me/us in this horror after all..."),
or His engagement in our lives into a non-relationship ("He has gone away,
and abandoned us--in spite of His promises and love-songs..."). In BOTH of
these responses, we push God away...out of our lives and our hearts and our
relationships...and He is no longer a 'real' god--we have 'defined Him away' by
de-classifying Him as a loving Person, into something 'less than' a real
God...and the world smugly agrees with us...
The mysterious Tetragrammon YHWH, often translated "I AM" has
always produced in me the sense that its meaning is exactly that: His name means that He, the
Person, is "in our face"... The "One with whom we have to
do"...the Living God...the Only true God...The God who enters into
relationship with us as persons (not as things)...
Hmmm....I thought rabbits ran straighter than that....(smile)...
But back to my trials and tribulations (as if I ever left them during
the 'excursus' above, in which no doubt some of you said "excuse
us"...smile)...
Sometimes I can sense the difference between trials in which I am
supposed to "pray my way out" (i.e., His purpose in the situation is
to encourage more interaction with Him), to "learn my way out" (i.e.,
His purpose is to get me to realize some insight that is important in becoming
more like Jesus), or to "wait my way out" (i.e., His purpose is to
develop more consistency and coherence in my knowledge of Him, by having me
integrate what I know about His good-heartedness and kindness--gleaned from
previous learning-- with the "less accurate" assessment I might have
of His heart/loyalty to me when I am being crushed to death by my circumstances
and by my internal attitudes and fleshly despair...smile).
[There are other motives and purposes for 'pedagogically oriented'
trials in my life, of course, but these three come up very often for me.]
When it looks like this last type, my personal prayers are more for
endurance and encouragement, rather than 'rescue and relief' (although this is
clearly my expectation of Him--that when the allotted time or stress has been
achieved, relief and rescue will duly appear and commence). And so, in the
meantime, I pray that I would not 'embarrass' us before the angelic host (both
good and bad) and before the world, by questioning His love or involvement in
my situation. Although I must admit, about once a year or so, I definitely
confront Him (briefly, as measured in single-digit minutes) with some remark
like "I'm tired of just
'encouragement' and 'endurance'--how about a little 'RESULTS' now..."
("What?! More Lupines?!!")...But I never get very far down that
sentence/paragraph, before the realities of His goodness in my life start to
'suggest themselves' to my conscience: my deeply satisfying relationship with
Him, countless experiences of rescue/relief, warm gifts of children, family,
friends, the previous meal, personal growth, tender touches of love...
The past two days (two days later than the first few paragraphs of this
letter were e-penned), were filled with nuances of His love: an expression of
honor from the one who has the most power to hurt me in my life, an email of
incredible beauty from an of-whom-the-world-is-not-worthy first-time Tank visitor (whom I will likely only meet
in His Future), a card of sympathy for my loss--but so obviously motivated by a
God-developed love, a short email of touch from an old, old tank-friend, and
even an insight or two on the re-write of the piece on the dating of Daniel
(smile)...not rescue, not results, but encouragement and endurance and strength
and warmth and life...and I 'felt' (in the supremely mystical way so evident in
all the Tank writings...smile) that my prayer requests
(posted this morning) were already being responded to...I felt
"lighter", I felt cared for by the hearts of countless unknown-to-me
Tank readers, and I understood again the true unity of the Church--the bond of
love between/among those beloved of the Beloved...
And instead of having to walk into a temple to see the bigger picture
(Ps 73), I could--as part of a living Temple--sense that larger perspective as
I walked from my car into the post office (to find the card alluded to
above)...and I am "better now", though nothing has externally
changed...
So, I am still
confronted with the realities of the in-my-face love of my Lord...and for me to
not factor that
overwhelming, transforming, and
"substantiated-in-my-personal-history" reality into my 'assessment'
of my current situation, would be
dishonest, irrational, and frankly, embarrassing to someone who aspires to
consider "all the data" when forming opinions...and so I cannot avoid
Romans 8.38:
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life,
nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39
nor height, nor depth, nor anything
else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, thanks for inquiring into 'how I am doing' and thank the multitudes of you who through the years
have prayed for me (and for the Tank); have expressed appreciation,
encouragement, and willingness to befriend me; have shared YOUR stories of His
gentle grace; have (recently) expressed sympathy and condolences for me [well
over a hundred of you transformed souls sent letters of co-anguish and co-grief
to me--Roman 12:15]; have 'forgiven' me (I hope) for never even answered or
acknowledged your emails; and have 'loved one another more' because of
something you read somewhere on the Tank (or at least, THOUGHT you read it
there--smile)...
I do love you all--with the same kind of Romans 5:5 love that also is
manifested in 1 Peter 1.8a, toward the One who First Loved Us,
Warmly,
Glenn Miller
August 12, 2000